Review by: Samantha M. Siciliano
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Quick Summary:
Another great book recommended to me by my therapist. This book is really well researched and insightful into the three types of attachment styles that adults have in romantic relationships. The three attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and secure. It is easy to read and understand with plenty of examples throughout the book. If you are looking for why your relationships might be struggling, to understand why your partner reacts to you a certain way, and how you go about communicating in your relationship, I highly recommend this book. I have a better understanding of who I am and how I can work on improving myself for my family.
The Review:
I am one of the lucky ones who didn’t read this book before being in a relationship and ended up with a stellar husband that has a secure attachment style. Unlike my partner, I have an anxious attachment style. The book highly recommended finding a match with a secure attachment to have a solid relationship. I am lucky to have a partner that can help calm down my anxious attachment quirks by simply being his best self around me.
Now, I will say that at times while reading I noticed quite a bit of bias. It felt like secure attachments were put on a very high pedestal and they could do no wrong. If they are like my hubs, then secures tend to be very levelheaded, comfortable and happy in their relationship, and a calm reactor. In a couple of examples, the writers did mention that secures could lose their temper (because they are human after all), but it really talked up how great secures were. The book highlighted that anyone with an insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant) should aim to be with a secure.
I also felt that avoidants were given a bad rap throughout the book and were made to be the worst of the three attachment styles. There were points when I was reading that I felt the book encouraged the other two attachment styles to stay away from avoidants. I’m not an avoidant, but I did feel kind of sad for them because everyone deserves love. The book did explain how to try to combat the natural ways of avoidant tendencies and become better at your relationship.
As for the anxious, we tend to be portrayed as a victim whenever in a relationship with an avoidant and our behaviors are tied to our anxious ways. Attached. mentioned many times how the anxious group should have grace for themselves. It felt like the anxious attachments had the most to gain in understanding our ways by reading this book. Apparently about 50% of the population has a secure attachment style while avoidants and anxious attachments make up 25% each. If you are unsure which attachment style you are, there is a quiz on page 40-43 to help guide you. If you are trying to figure out what your partner’s attachment style is, check out pages 52-60.
As an anxious, I learned a lot about myself and how to combat my natural tendencies and behaviors. I struggle with understanding why Tim loves me, why he would stay with me when there are plenty of other people who are better in so many ways than I am, I think about my relationships a lot, I’m sensitive to Tim’s moods, I want closeness in a relationship, I worry about rejection, and I have a hard time not making things about myself. This last one is important for me to explain. I think about Tim and how I can be better for him throughout the day. When he is upset in some way, my brain jumps to what did I do to cause it. This book pointed out my insecurities and how to work through that process by talking about what is going on with Tim instead of jumping to conclusions about what I did wrong and assuming the worst. The book mentioned how we should assume the best when thinking about outcomes.
It was crazy to think about when Tim and I started dating (almost 11 years ago!) and how my anxious tendencies were through the roof. To be fair, we were both new to relationships and were young and dumb. There were a couple of times that my attachment style was a problem, and we almost broke up. There were also times that Tim’s immaturity almost drove me to break up with him. But we talked things out and explained what was happening in our heads and learned that communicating was really what we both needed. We were both scared about how the other would react to the choices we were making as individuals instead of a couple. When Tim and I moved in together, my anxious tendencies calmed down because I knew at the end of the day, I would get to spend time with him and have my anxieties calmed. Our relationship started to flourish quickly. I wish I would have read this book while in those early days as it would have saved us both a lot of frustration. I am so lucky and happy that Tim and I were able to work out our quirks and grow together.
This book was well written and a great read if you are an anxious or secure person! I will give it a 4/5. However, if you are avoidant, I would search for another book that would explain your tendencies without making you feel like you are the problem.
IN CONCLUSION, READ THE FRACKING BOOK (if you are secure/anxious)!
Up Next: The Etruscan by Mika Waltari
